my feelings currently...~

ehem ehem. hey there. my mood currently?  im sad.
No. Scratch that. I'm touched. By this AWESOME FAN FICTION i read 2hours ago.
the writer obviously possessed something i truly envy.  A PURE TALENT IN WRITING. her writing is totally flawless and amazing. im truly jealous by her capabilities.

ohh how i wish i can write like she did.
 its the same thing repeating over and over again..EVERY SINGLE DAY. and i just wish that i can get over it. i wish i can get over that feeling of discomfort knowing that i cant compose a freaking oneshot and complete my stories anymore. i'm not giving up. Heck no. I'm just starting to lose hope. I'm still searching for that inspiration. But it just seem like it will never come.

I am scared. Of losing and Quiting.
I'm not ready to let go of the thing that i depend on most for the past 5 years.
i'm just not ready.
Or maybe i need someone to scream to my face telling me that all of this is just another complete normal "WRITER'S BLOCKS" moments and things are gonna be fine..
because no matter how hard i try to let my brain accept the word "normal writer's blocks moments"..its just not working. idk why.
but who am i kidding? who else knows how much i love writing? everyone thought im just kidding around with it and few thought i'm simply wasting my time.

maybe they are right...but maybe they are wrong. i dont know. like i said, maybe...just maybe its time for me to let go.

is it? do i have to? what is the point of holding on things that i just cant grip anymore? can i face the hurt? will it hurt more that what i'm feeling now? will i ever be more depressed than i am now? or will i be happier and free knowing that things have changed and i'm no longer tied to this small commitment i've attached to for the past 5 years? how will i face my weekends not login into my fanfiction.net and soompi.com accounts? what will happen when one day after i let go, i stumbled upon an amazing oneshot? what will i look forward EVERY WEEKEND? what will be my inspiration to study my arse off for my exams if it wasnt the personal messages authors sent waiting in my inbox telling me that their new chapters are up? who else will reviews my stories if it wasnt the fellow members of soompi and fanfic? and the most important question is, to who and where else can i let myself be whoever i wanted to be and just tell to people what i've always dreamed of without the need of telling them who i really am. without the fear of being judged. without the fear of being hated?

microsoft words, pappers and pens have always be my best friends. sometimes, i think they know me more then anyone else in this world. they have witnessed me cry, smile, mad, disappointed, worried and whole lot of other emotions. and ofcourse they are the best secret keepers ever.

and after all these years.... i dont know how will i move on without the need of spilling my thoughts and emotions to them.

talking to people are different. Yeah sometimes its better but do you honestly think you can handle me waking you up at 3 am every morning and started to spill everything that have been bugging me mind? can you be that person who will listen everytime i talk? even if you can, how long can you stand tall? you will one day collapse and say.." Enough of all the talking! i'm sick and tired of listening!"

dont you agree?

ahh...things are being complicated. i dont know what to think and what to do anymore. that happy place of mine have disappeared and got replaced with this thing called emptiness. AGAIN.

i just want to write again. thats all.